Well, another brand new couple hits the streets of PRBI. Normally that wouldn't bother me as much as it is right now. In principle I tend to be a bit of a romantic and get excited when guys step up to the plate, take a risk and begin dating a girl. Especially when my close friends begin dating. But not this time. And it's frustrating me that I am not thrilled for them.
Let me explain. The girl is the same one that has been mentioned in previous posts on this blog. The same girl that I pursued for about a year before November when I told her that I would never pursue her again, link here. The same girl who turned me down twice during that year. Now please don't get me wrong. I am not bitter towards her. She is one of my closest female friends here at the school, and I have a huge amount of admiration and respect for her. In fact, my writing of this post was interrupted by a half hour conversation with her. This is simply what has happened in my past with her.
The guy is one of my close friends here at school. I have not been a total emotional wreck around him yet, but would feel completely safe being so. He might be the person that I converse the most with on a regular week-to-week basis.
And now they are dating. I have taken the liberty of trying to figure out why I am reacting to this as adversely as I am, and have come up with a few different things.
-Reminder of lack of such relationship in my own life.
Most of the people in my life are in some sense pursuing a woman. This has been a more poignant than usual reminder of the fact that I do not have such prospects in that area seeing as I pursued this young woman myself for so long. As a side note, I also wonder what is wrong with me. Even those few friends who are not pursuing anybody right now have had the opportunity in the past, whereas I have yet to find a situation when I have liked a girl and she has liked me. At all.
-I view it as an attack on my masculinity.
I was unable to attract this young woman. He was able to attract her. Thus I am less of a man than he is. This is the path that I have tracked my thinking through. Because he was able to do what I was unable to do, I feel as though this cuts down my value as a man. I know this is not the truth, but this is most definitely what is happening in my mind.
-Reminder that she is really and truly gone
I knew this already, had dealt with my emotions about this already, but it simply feels like the scab covering over this wound has been ripped off. I was good about it before. Sigh.
I am convinced that this is not the extent of the reasons that I am in emotional turmoil regarding this. But it seems to be a good start. Even knowing this, why can I not rejoice with those who rejoice? Part of me can, while the rest of me has difficulties. One positive out of this whole thing is the dialogue that this guy and I have had regarding this situation. He knows where I am at and has been very gracious with me. Yesterday he even told me that he does not expect me to be excited for him. This event for him is much the same as it is for me. There is rejoicing on his part, but also mourning because he knows how this is affecting both me and another fellow that we are both very close to.
Life goes on. As do I. Here I go, learning again :P
I respect you Jon.
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