The first thing that I want to do is take a look at Scripture and see what it has to say about love. Turns out there's a lot. Who knew? Every epistle references love at least once. 58 of the 66 books in the Bible have "love" in them. It appears 505 times altogether (in the ESV translation). A quick sampling:
- "Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law." (Rom.13:8)
- If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. (1 Cor. 13:1-8)
- "Let all that you do be done in love." (1 Cor. 16:14)
- "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. (Gal. 5:13)
- "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." (Gal. 5:22-23)
- "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." (Eph. 4:15-16)
- "And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." (Col. 3:14)
- But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness." (1 Tim. 6:11)
- "And let us consider how to stir one another to love and good works." (Heb. 10:24)
- "Let brotherly love continue." (Heb. 13:1)
- "If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself,' you are doing well." (Jas. 2:8)
- "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Pet. 4:8)
- "For this is the message we have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another." (1 John 3:11)
- Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth." (1 John 3:18)
- "'And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:30-31)
- Jesus' life.
However, in the same way that it is not a good thing to "preach the gospel always, and if necessary use words", I strongly believe that it is necessary to use words to communicate love. Yes, actions are very necessary (see all of James, but particularly 2:15-16). But the one way that you can communicate love and be surest that it will be received as a communication that you love that person is by saying "I love you". And backing it up with actions. Words are a good starting place for lots of things. Romans says that words are the starting place for salvation. "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved" (Rom. 10:9).
Maybe the problem is that we only have one word for love. The Greek language (what the New Testament was originally written in) had 4 different words for love, each with a slightly different semantic range. Phile could mean affection, kiss, love - the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia, gets its name from this Greek verb. Storge is a familial love, largely a love based on familiarity. Eros is romantic and/or sexual love. And agape has a huge range - kind of like our word "love" today. I love pizza, I love my mom, I love my wife, I love this place, etc. As an aside, this word does not necessarily refer to godly or pure love, as is commonly accepted in Christian circles. It is often the word used when describing God's love, but that is only part of its semantic range. Case in point, read 2 Samuel 13:1-22 (especially v. 15). In the Septuagint (Greek translation of the Hebrew Old Testament) the verb agapao and its cognate agape are used for the words you see as "love" in that story. Anyhow, there was at least some recognition in that language that having multiple words for love would be helpful.
Or maybe the difference is in the differing streams of Christianity. When I was at camp, that was a in a Nazarene setting, whereas being at college and afterwards is more of a Baptist/Mennonite Brethren influence. It's hard to put an actual dividing line between the camps about what kinds of people are found in each, but they are different. They attract different personalities, or perhaps more accurately, different things are taught as important.
So I think what it comes down to in my mind anyways, is that love for the average evangelical has two primary meanings. The first is shallow and frivolous:
And then there's another bit that jumps in and needs to be part of the equation. I think we (I) have trouble with vulnerability. And telling someone that you love them is a terribly vulnerable thing to do. What if they don't love you? What if they don't respond in the way that I hope they will? And this is where my good friend C.S. Lewis comes in, from his book "The Four Loves". I knew I could fit this quote in somewhere :) "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung out and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." This is where I rebut my previous mention of guarding hearts. Did you know that, since that phrase sounds very biblical, it is in the Bible? Did you further know that it has nothing to do with dating or much to do with relationships with others at all? Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) is actually talking about keeping yourself from sin and walking the path of wisdom and uprightness. It's true, you don't want to be completely vulnerable with everyone. That's not wise, and we don't have quite that emotional capacity. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't love anyone vulnerably.
All of this leaping about comes from this question in my mind. If love is so immensely central to the Christian faith, why is it so absent from our daily conversation with one another? Or, perhaps I'm in a very small boat. I should rephrase that. if love is so immensely central to the Christian faith, why is it so absent from my daily conversation with others? And completely absent from conversations with young women? A (the?) central tenet, missing in action from our vocabulary. I hope all of this is readable and followable, because I really want to hear what you think about this. Let's carry a conversation, either in real life or on here.
Maybe the problem is that we only have one word for love. The Greek language (what the New Testament was originally written in) had 4 different words for love, each with a slightly different semantic range. Phile could mean affection, kiss, love - the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia, gets its name from this Greek verb. Storge is a familial love, largely a love based on familiarity. Eros is romantic and/or sexual love. And agape has a huge range - kind of like our word "love" today. I love pizza, I love my mom, I love my wife, I love this place, etc. As an aside, this word does not necessarily refer to godly or pure love, as is commonly accepted in Christian circles. It is often the word used when describing God's love, but that is only part of its semantic range. Case in point, read 2 Samuel 13:1-22 (especially v. 15). In the Septuagint (Greek translation of the Hebrew Old Testament) the verb agapao and its cognate agape are used for the words you see as "love" in that story. Anyhow, there was at least some recognition in that language that having multiple words for love would be helpful.
Or maybe the difference is in the differing streams of Christianity. When I was at camp, that was a in a Nazarene setting, whereas being at college and afterwards is more of a Baptist/Mennonite Brethren influence. It's hard to put an actual dividing line between the camps about what kinds of people are found in each, but they are different. They attract different personalities, or perhaps more accurately, different things are taught as important.
So I think what it comes down to in my mind anyways, is that love for the average evangelical has two primary meanings. The first is shallow and frivolous:
- "I love pizza"
- "I love this movie"
- "I love Eugenie Bouchard"
- "I love my mom"
- "I love my wife"
- "I love you, bro"
And then there's another bit that jumps in and needs to be part of the equation. I think we (I) have trouble with vulnerability. And telling someone that you love them is a terribly vulnerable thing to do. What if they don't love you? What if they don't respond in the way that I hope they will? And this is where my good friend C.S. Lewis comes in, from his book "The Four Loves". I knew I could fit this quote in somewhere :) "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung out and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." This is where I rebut my previous mention of guarding hearts. Did you know that, since that phrase sounds very biblical, it is in the Bible? Did you further know that it has nothing to do with dating or much to do with relationships with others at all? Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) is actually talking about keeping yourself from sin and walking the path of wisdom and uprightness. It's true, you don't want to be completely vulnerable with everyone. That's not wise, and we don't have quite that emotional capacity. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't love anyone vulnerably.
All of this leaping about comes from this question in my mind. If love is so immensely central to the Christian faith, why is it so absent from our daily conversation with one another? Or, perhaps I'm in a very small boat. I should rephrase that. if love is so immensely central to the Christian faith, why is it so absent from my daily conversation with others? And completely absent from conversations with young women? A (the?) central tenet, missing in action from our vocabulary. I hope all of this is readable and followable, because I really want to hear what you think about this. Let's carry a conversation, either in real life or on here.
“If you’re serious about loving like Jesus loved, you will be inconvenienced. You will be less comfortable than you are now. You might even get flak from people you love and respect.” - Margot Starbuck (Small Things With Great Love)
ReplyDeleteNice post! I needed to read that as it is a great reminder that “it’s so important that our love for others be shaped by God’s love for us. This kind of love looks beyond personal desires and the gratification of the moment. It looks at the big picture: serving others and glorifying God…When we make God’s glory and other people’s needs our priority, we position ourselves to receive the greatest joy in our lives as well.” - Joshua Harris (I Kissed Dating Goodbye)
But when it comes to our words, having just finished memorizing James, I am brought to chapter 3 where he mentions the tongue. How powerful our words can be! "How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water." (v.5-12)
I know that James does not specifically address the words, "I love you," but throughout the book he is very passionate about works as well as words as the next verse says, "Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom...the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere." (v.13, 17)
God wants us to live in relationship with one another, and our words and actions should display the wisdom from above.
I think that sometimes our words get in the way of what our actions could display. For example, I can tell my Mom that I love her, but I know that she would feel loved if I helped her out with some housework. So what should I do? Do the words, "I love you," mean anything without the actions? Just observe the life of Christ.
Absolutely Jess. The last thing that I want to be saying is that words should be taking the place of actions. But do the words "I love you" mean more when coupled with actions than just the actions alone? I don't know the answer to that. What I do know is that if words have huge power to destroy and kill, then they also have huge power to bring life.
ReplyDeleteNot always, but maybe more often than we think, our words will change our mindsets and our actions. I know James warns in James 2 about using your words without actions, but I also know that in my experience words have a huge affect on my view on life. I can remember one day many years ago when I was on maintenance duty at family camp, and we encountered a somewhat rude older lady in the course of doing our work. I didn't think much of it and carried on. But in a later conversation with my team, one of the team members started complaining about how nasty that lady had been. Now I was there for the whole exchange, so it wasn't like she was commenting on something that I hadn't seen. So, against my better judgment, I joined in on the negative conversation. And in no time, my day was ruined. That lady was the devil, and she had destroyed a perfectly good day. Well, wait a minute. No. The only thing that changed was some words that I spoke after the incident, that completely changed my perspective on it. And in several marriage books I have read, the author has made a comment or told a story about how a marriage on the rocks can be saved by the simple act of saying, "I love you" regularly. Same concept as changing negative self-talk. Our words can change our thinking.
But I would once again affirm that words are a good starting place. If all you've got is words then you're like the Texan's say, "All hat and no cattle."