Shame

The topic of shame is one that has been on my mind a lot over the past couple of months, and I thought I would share some of my thoughts. This is a transcript of my grad testimony at PRBI...and I will add some more thoughts later in another post.

I think back to my life when I arrived at PRBI and I think of how performance-based my worth was. My ability to excel at academics and piano was very important as was performance in sports or work. That was also the mindset that I carried to relationships - that I had to offer something to those I was in relationship with, but always felt as though I didn't have anything to offer, and so did not deserve to be in relationship with others. As a result, I needed to maintain a high performance level in order to have worth. I vividly remember receiving a sub-40 mark on one Foundations of the Christian Faith quiz, and a failing mark on an English assignment. These clearly attacked my personal view of myself as an academically excellent student. Or I would make a misplay in a soccer game. I had trouble making friends because of my shame about my inability to perform to the level that I thought was needed for relationship. However, God was at work in me while I was being discipled, whether that was in classes, formal discipleship, sports, or discussions with people. Throughout my first couple of years I saw lots of growth. I stopped being so concerned about my grades, made a concerted effort to not place my worth in them, and surprisingly they rose. I started to grasp that friendship isn't about performing for another person, but more about loving them. In my third year I was hit with the new challenge of careleading, and where did my mind go? Back to performance. I had to perform well. I was a careleader right? That meant getting a whole lot more relational and leader-like overnight. And I fell right back into having to perform, and my worth was once again based on this. In other areas I continued to grow. Marks didn't really phase me as a person. In soccer it was hard work, but most of the time I didn't connect my performance on the field with my worth. I ended up having a fantastic season, culminating with the Men's Soccer Ambassador award, Male Athlete of the Year, and the title "Ironman". I thought that I had learned my lesson, and it was time to move on to something else. I didn't notice it at first, but this year my marks started mattering again. I wanted to graduate on the dean's list right? And there was that gold medallion award. My soccer season wasn't as good as last year, and that bothered me. And my mindset about friendships shifted back a little. I was learning not to place my worth in my performance as a CL finally, but I was looking for performance in friendships. This whole issue of shame came to a head a couple of weeks ago. I went to fire practice one Tuesday evening and when I got back to school I realized my pager was missing. So I searched my room, walked back to the fire hall watching for it on the road, searched all over the fire hall, back to my room, back to the hall. My pager is an expensive piece of equipment. As I was continuing to search I watched my mind spiral down and down into shame. My value as a person after having lost this piece of technology was shot. It took days to find my way out of that pit.

As I go from PRBI, I am encouraged by a few things. First, God has taken me forward in this journey. I'm not where I was when I started. Second, as something that I've learned from following hockey prospects, but never thought of applying it to my own life, growth isn't in a straight line. There are ups, and those are oftentimes followed by downs. This is going to be a lifelong process overcoming the lies and guilt of shame. But I trust that the God who has begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.