Marriage...A Consuming Thought

Over the past year, and especially this Christmas break I have been consumed with visions of marriage. I have thought long hours, wept many tears, read books and sought God's will diligently about how to proceed in that direction. I've thought for many years that I would marry as a young man. That I would find the girl of my dreams, sweep her off of her feet and walk down the road of life, hand in hand. I don’t expect it to be a honeymoon ‘til death do us part, but it’s still my dream. It is a stronger wish than my goal to become a paramedic, more powerful than my drive to be a better musician and it even has surpassed my pursuit of godliness at times.


I see so many of my friends as happy couples, and that is the hardest part of still being single. Everywhere I look I see people matching up in long-term relationships. I sometimes wonder if God has forgotten me in His match-making scheme. Just at the end of this last semester I told a young woman that I was interested in her, but in the ensuing days found out that a relationship is not going to happen there. That broke an emotional dam and let loose a veritable flood of tears. It wasn’t because I felt rejected as a person and it wasn’t because our friendship is gone (it isn’t), but was simply because I was hoping so much that it would work out.

The result of this is that I now question the validity of this dream; I question that this is what God wants. I have lived the past year assuming that my dream matched up with God's will and I have simply been waiting and seeking for my future wife. But since last night I’ve realized that all of my thinking, praying and seeking has been in vain. Despite all that I have invested into my dream I have gotten nowhere. I am no closer to a romantic relationship than I was a year, 5 years or 10 years ago. I may be a little more ready, but that is all. Something tells me that I am focusing too much on marriage. Something tells me that in my single-minded pursuit of holy matrimony I have left God trampled in the dust. Throughout this past semester I realized that marriage is an idol of mine. For a time I became intellectually satisfied with being single. In my mind I had no desire to be in any sort of a relationship. However, my heart and beliefs never got to that place. I have long believed that I will be uncomplete until I am married. I know in my head that this is wrong since God has given us everything we need for life and godliness (1 Peter 1:3). Paul also writes that a man is more able to serve God if he is single than if he is married (1 Corinthians 7:32-35). However, my beliefs are deep-seated through experience and it will take more than reading a verse a couple of times to change that. To make matters worse Jeremiah writes, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (17:9) So not only is what my heart believes more powerful than what my mind believes, it’s defining feature is that it lies to me. Just lovely.

What does it really mean to trust in the Lord with all my heart or to acknowledge him in all my ways (Prov. 3:5-6)? The net result of doing such a thing would be that my paths would be straight, but how does that work out practically in my life? In a similar way David writes, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psa. 37:4). What does it mean to delight yourself in the Lord? And then you have to factor in Jesus’ command to lay down our dreams and desires to His authority (Mark 8:34-35). Even beyond the questions I have about how to delight in the Lord and acknowledge Him, David seems to acknowledge that our desires are good things to want while Jesus tells us to give them up.

While I work through these things in my mind, the only thing that keeps me going is God’s promise in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).

So, while I do still believe that marriage is a holy institution that is blessed by God, I do not believe that it is time for me to be entertaining thoughts of it. It seems as though God is testing me to show me that I am not leaning on Him alone right now. I don’t fully know how I will ensure that I keep this commitment to myself, but I do have some ideas. Externally I can make sure that I am not singling out a single girl for extra attention by being accountable to others. Even so, it is my thoughts that I am most concerned about. I need to change my mode of thinking to being focused on God again. 2 Corinthians 2:5 implores me to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. The clearest application I can find there is that when I find myself thinking of girls, loneliness or marriage I will consciously turn them into thoughts of Him. Another thing I will do as often as I remember will be evaluating my motives for doing what I am doing. How does it line up with 1 Corinthians 10:31 which says, “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God”?

The season of life that I find myself in is a time of preparation. Luke 13:6-10 tells the story of a fig tree that should be growing. I wrote this about it in a paper last year:

[The fig tree] has been given a place of special privilege in God’s world. Although hardy enough to grow by the side of the road (cf. Matt. 21:19), this fig tree had been planted in a vineyard. The fig tree has had every opportunity to grow since it is in the better soil and the vine-dresser has been nurturing it, but even though it has been set up for success, it is producing absolutely nothing. The owner was not looking for a bumper crop; all he wanted was a little fruit to show that the tree could produce. There is only a very small chance that the tree will ever produce since the owner has been coming for three years now to check on it. Yet the gardener asks for one more year so that it will have one last chance to bear fruit. The gardener will give the tree special treatment, and if it still refuses to produce then it will have exhausted its last chance.

So whether or not marriage is in my future plans, I am most definitely in a position where God expects me to grow and I need to ensure that I follow his leading. Does that lead into marriage? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am moving to a place where that doesn’t matter one way or the other. I’m not there yet, but I’m on the path. A good way to close this is with the words of Paul in Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”